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Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
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I have recently formed a new livejournal. The username is swallow_so_deep
So since I made a new one, I will be updating in that one, and no longer in this immature peice of shit.
thank you and good night.
by the way,.
ADD ME!
friends :-P
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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But your head is elsewhere, And Im talking enough for both of us
I think this song can best describe me right now.
Work sucked so bad. Its not that it was hard or anything. Im starting to realize how many backstabbers I work with. I think its so aweful to talk like that about someone, when they dont even deserve it in the first place. They are trying the best they can, and all these people can do is bitch about it.
these people dont know that oftenly, they are the reasons of suicides.
Maybe that was a little too extreme, yeah. whatever.
Finals are going to stress me out to the max. Especially Biology, Im pretty sure Im gonna fail the final. I just dont do good for tests. Math probably wont be too much of a problem. Cuz I took a test today and I think I got an A on it! It was actually extremely easy. Enough about finals.
And I never apologized for my last entry. I dont know if I will either
But I will say That im a complete asshole. Im not sure if thats an apology or what.
I realize new depressing things and more things to worry about even more every damn day. As much as I hate school and as much as I hate dramatic days. ( nearly every fucking day might I add ) As shitty as all that is, Im just going to have a harder time after school. I pretty much found out I wont get a decent job unless I do go to college. And I have my doubts about getting into one, I dont think it will happen. Unless I totally bust my ass for the next two years, which I plan on doing. But maybe im just not smart enough and need to accept this. Well with whatever happens. I hope it works out fine. As horrible as today is, Its just going to get worse. Im so worried about my future, even though I shouldnt be, My morals are so important to me I would die defending them. Id walk 100 miles cuz I wouldnt want to waste someones gas. I would probably end up going insane so I wouldnt have to tell the truth to someone and hurt their emotions. Maybe this is just called being a coward. But it doesnt seem so much like it to me.
Overall I just dont think im going to be fine after school. But i have a plan to live with friends for a few years, so I wont be totally alone and end up doing bad things. Yet all my friends wont be friends by that time.
the thought of growing up is so fucking depressing. But Id rather worry now and replace my high school fun with hell, because I think it might help me out better later on. Probably not, and what am I talking about.
but then I get in that certain mood, where I wouldnt care if my best friend got shot. Its so horrible. Well I shouldnt say that, if i got shot.. there. I dont like to hurt people's feelings, Im so against it. yeah.
Well I think Im going with James to julies americorps graduation. I love trips to south carolina, we have been there for steve and mike's marine boot camp grad.. Its just such a nice ride. Its relaxing. well actually it isnt because its uncomfortable as hell and you are getting woken up constantly. but I like the thought of being with my family for a few days straight.. Well with james anyways. I wish we could leave shawns dumbass here. ( Im such a hypocrit, I actually dont give a shit if I killed his emotions ) Ehh, and then thought of being with him the whole time just kills my looking forward to it.
He seriously ruins my night. I cant stand him. Just all these little things that he does. I cant stand it. Sometimes I wish I could frame him for a crime. but Im not that low.
though I think I am done with this. good night
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, May 25th, 2005
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THE FOLLOWING IS NOT MADE TO OFFEND ANYBODY NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT MAY. IM GUESSING ALOT OF PEOPLE WILL HATE ME.
But I will still try to hold stuff back. I am so pissed off right now. Not really " AHH IM GONNA FUCKIN COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND CURB STOMP YOU " mad, but more of a " You make me sick " kind of mad. Which is just bullshit. I want to say soo much right now, but i dont want anyone to anyone or any useless drama over my stupid thoughts and what I have to say about anyone.
What the fuck is even the point of talking. I cant ask anything without a fucking fight taking place. This is bullshit. I cant stand not being able to ask you anything, When I remember you saying you would rather it that way. Looks like we both lie, huh?
Ugh, Im so sick of girls right now. As lonely as I am and with everything, Some things just make me want to vomit. Honestly I could stand not eating for 3 weeks as of right now. But Im not dumb enough to cause harm to myself, yet. I dont plan on it, But some people give me no fucking choice. Some times words can mean so much. You dont know how much I take things to heart. I wish that you would consider this and try to understand it. Cuz you obviously wouldnt care if I slit my wrists.
You might say you do.
But you dont
( im not gonna do it. Dont worry, I was making a statement )
Not that you would.
So this is to get everything off of my chest and I dont really care who reads it. But i really do Cuz I will still probably hold this dumb shit back. Honestly I dont want to offend anyone, and If I do, then Im really sorry. Ill probably apologize tomarrow or something.
So, A list of things I just want to get rid of:
-Shawn
-Bullshit
-my throat
-good charlotte
-merrill
-cant stand seeing him anymore.
-Its getting harder to talk to you every day
-When All we do is bitch at eachother
this stresses me so much. I really wish you could be inside my mind right now
Maybe then you would understand
i think im just going to drop them. They dont seem to be doing anything.
Except make me not as tired.
I feel like my head is bleeding :-/
im not even bothering anymore
good night
yet i will miss you
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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-A Thorn For every Heart-Things arent so beautiful now ( part 2 )
I almost did something I would have regretted. This truly scares me.
i dont get my problem.
-Anberlin-Feel good drag
-At the drive in-Sleepwalk capsules
I just missed you.
-Boys night out-Sketch artist composite
-Brand New-Okay I beleive you, But my tommy gun doesnt
yeah this will take too long. I was going to type out the playlist. Then I thought about the no point it serves, and it would just be a waste of my time.
Wow I fucking hate myself
ull get this letter.
confess. Confess. Ill be here wishing your death sentence.
Well ghetto kids had a fight today. and I thought kids in our school could fight. either way, they could probably beat my ass. but the difference is, I would love for them to. just .l. do i
Delores Claiborn Is an amazing movie. i think everyone should watch it. Drama/suspense. its a good eye opener slash mouth opener.
I think I should be in love with you right about now.
Unmarked cars. Police sirens. Call the cops first.
Honestly. U'll be really glad you did, if you are a girl.
to her own reflection she said> I will hold on.
Of mice and men is a good book.
theres like 24 days of school left ( rough estimate ) Im so glad.
But i cant go clothes shopping by myself.
I suck at it. I need my sister or an emo chick.
Wanna help me out?
I absolutely have nothing to be proud of. I hate it. I need someone to change my life for me. If I could have one wish, I would wish to fall in love by the time tomarrow comes around.
Agh!!! Just think, 2 and a half more years with seeing this fucking dumbass every damn day of my life. I dont know If I can stand it. I need a lisence more than anything, besides love. I just think about all the oppurtunities with bands and shit I could have, then realize I dont have one, its depressing. I need something to take out stuff on.
Im better off alone than i would be in your arms.
So Im losing hope that these arent really working well anymore. Every time I bring it up, I get bitched at " U just started! give it a month " Well you fucking arent me.
I just hope there is another person out there like me. but thats unlikely.
wow, you really dont know/understand how much I need for you to love me right now.
I dont like to whine about this sort of issue. because I dont really like people screwing with my head. It happens way too often.
And every time I have hope. It gets lost. It loses itself. I miss missing you.
Goodbye to you.
Glasseater is the one band I can say that no one I know has ever heard of them. Which makes me like them even more.
Ill be pissed when they hit cyy.
But I forgot what its like to listen to that.
Have you ever wondered what once went wrong?
I feel like such a fucking loser. Decide.
yet the only person that understands is irritated with me
Matchbook Romance is so right.
As if they, meant anything anyway.
Sometimes I feel i could drop off the face of the earth
It seems I do more harm than could, I dont know if its worth
me losing sleep over this.
i feel so out of place when i say whats really bugging me. Im sixteen. I cant be so bummed out over something this grown up. And it doesnt help that no one could possibly understand.
I miss you so bad it feels like its cutting me
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Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
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Shit
I should have just made this one long entry. I mean, this is my third tonight. Im annoying I know. three a day is really pushing it.
I dont really feel like much right now. Honestly, I just feel like a normal other person. When I used to feel unique in my own way. I have learned through my days that this is totally normal. And I just shouldnt take anything personal anymore. No more relationships. It always seems to end up bad and worth nothing all along. I mean, its a good thing while it lasts but for me to obsessed over it, is just stupid. Its something that should be dealt with carefully but only when its right. I dont know. its all so hard for me though. Its like, i know how its going to end up every time, cuz it always does end the same. She moves on, Im stuck here rotting. not rotting, cuz Im alive, I still have a job, good friends, good family. My life really isnt bad at all. Its just the relationship part that is shitty as fuck. I dont know how to hide this.
But I mean. I guess the saying is that nothing is ever as bad as it seems. Correct? I really dont know how to respond to this. Its time to wear this invisible. Wipe out everything I have ever felt. For this is nothing. Something that is nothing. Nothing, which is something. And a little nothing can make a big something. Is often How I make this out to be.
Im so fucking dumb. How do i do this. I dont get it. i think i want myself to hurt.
Except im not hurt.
Am I?
No I couldnt possibly be. millions of people really actually hurt every day. Why should I be wasted upon myself? Right. Agreed. I think hurt is demonstrated on how well you demonstrate your emotions. I feel the most hurt is where the person hides it the most. Do you understand what I am saying? Im just talking, none of this really means anthing
I hope you think of me when you forgot your seatbelt.
And again when your head goes through the windshield.
Oh I wish how youd understand. I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think its time for me to, yeah. byasdjklne
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I figure I dont have many sad entries anymore, so I figured I would spend this one complaining, maybe not complaining, but its the mood I am in.
-First off, I am sad I am not doing anything tonight.
Am I losing you? Am I losing you?
I will be strong.
-Second, I am sad that kudos to riley isnt playing at the str cd release.
And also I have the suspicion that ASD is headlining this show?
As good as they are, this still kind of bums me up,
Of which I find weird.
-I feel distant from her right now, Is not good.
I need more good friends who would dedictate 5 hours to my " problems "
I need a shrink.
-I am completely exhausted from work, only I feel bad for the waitresses.
I cut myself many times because of broken dishes.
My hands were once covered in ranch salad dressing.
And I never Felt more alive.
-But right now Something is missing.
I feel I need to hold someone at this exact moment
My favorite person is unavailable.
And is usually the case.
-I guess I will just have to spend this night, like every other.
Holding a bottle of whiskey
Crying to elton john
But then I remembered my brother is here,
So we are playing Poker
And I still have my dignity.
-I got Anberlin's cd today
I was originally gonna look for Saosin at Bullmoose
2 problems-Bullmoose closes at 5 on sundays
-Walmart didnt have saosin... Assholes
-I have never felt more alone and hopeless>
I feel My fate is getting lost in the eyes of loved ones.
I often wonder what heaven will be like, and who will be in it.
I hope lindsay is there
-I miss listening to taking back sunday with julie-in the summer
I miss watching comedies with lindsay
I miss playing in a band, where I felt most alive.
I Miss my family being actually together
I miss walking to graveyards with you.
and walking by gross fish, hands locked.
well darling, I miss you.
-I miss everything about poland.
I want to dedicate a day to Angie Taylor
I also think that you have a grudge against me.
Which I accept because it is my fault. Probably
And Im sorry for mentioning Ben B. all the time.
I shall stop.
I know nothing will ever happen
-Thats the thing.
I like to create imaginary gliches
kind of like the way direct tv gets in the middle of rain storms.
Which pisses me off. because tbs is what keeps me laughing
-Im glad that catherine and ryan are gonig out again.
But mad that he did that to her, twice.
Also kind of mad that everyone is a lie
i made it clear hes going to hell if he cheats again.
-3 Strikes your out.
Is usually the case in the real world
Except not.
But only in imaginations.
-I need to fall in love.
But I need to find the right girl
I think the search is done.
I need to explain myself.
-I want to buy a gibson SG
But i also need 6 jobs
Im in so much debt.
I feel bad when people pay for anything, for me.
-This journal is depressing enough
And long enough>
So Im not going to go on.
I will most likely update again later.
Id kill anything
Only. For. You.
Im going to learn Sound of Sulfur
A COUPLE HOURS LATER
I didnt want to be annoying and do another entry for just a few hours after that last one, so Im adding on!
Im so friggin moody.
These pills only help the intensity, but I still get extremely moody. Like now, I cant stand myself.
Yet I love life,
And cant wait to see how much lindsay and I happen to fight tomarrow.
I hate fighting, But im the cause to all of this>
Maybe if I died.... then........
yeah. Yet, enemies are so loud and clear. Every drop of iodine. HEEH . Sometimes I feel like it
I love my mood swings, dont you?
I dont get it, the smallest dumbest things! Piss me off. Its so irritating, Sometimes I wonder why im so like this, but I realize that she will just have to deal with it. I know it must be a handful, but if she can deal with it, then I know shes the one for me :-)
I wish I had a knife to kill you right now.
Dont lie to me>
Just say it. And everything will go away>
eh, im sad. Nothing has changed. Im fucking hopeless.
fuck.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Emotional Mood right now.
I am stuck listening to that depressing lovely acoustic mix tape that makes you wish she was in love with you. And It feels like one of those nights where you feel you have to talk to her. It really sucks, everytime I need to talk to her the most I cant because she is either unavailable or its too late. Which is usually my case nearly every night. With or without you, With or without you. Its sad when i spend every waking moment thinking about this. I guess its times like this when the truth really shows its disguise. I think I am just too nervous for something like this to be broadcasted around school. I hide myself too much. Way too much. Its not like Im a follower though, I would never want to be. COME ON! Im the only kid in the school that doesnt wash his hair, Just to avoid the simple assumption of teenagers. Looks deffinitely arent everything. Speaking of which, Nine weeks today :-)
I really wanted to go to that show tonight. But I didnt, on the blame of work. Oh well, at least I know for sure Saturday is a go. Theres gonna be alot of people there, and Im excited, Im gonna try to get a bunch of kids from school to go. Maybe Lindsay and I can convert rappers to emo-core and not listen to rap again for the rest of their lives. That would be awesome. But then again kind of annoying. All I know is, Im saving fifty bucks for that show and buying whatever I can.
I remember when the ground folds acoustic version was my favorite song last year. For the longest time, Like 4 months. One song for four months was crazy for me. I usually have a different favorite song every week. We'll run away in our dismay, but please come back to me.
And now its Cross your fingers, and pray for winter
I really need to buy the new starting line cd.
Right now Im listening to a song from pozer. ( for stupid people, sparks the rescue ) from like.. 2 years ago. And its actually not that bad.
Someone should come rescue me from loneliness.
Im gonna go. Good night.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sarah from Murder By Death is the most amazing woman in music history I have ever seen. I am obsessed with her. As crazy as it sounds i really think without her, they'd be shit. And shes so effing beautiful its sickening. So watching their performance tonight, I feel inspired to attempt to play the cello. Okay, during the first song I was thinking, fuck I have to meet this woman. After their set I was standing maybe 3 feet from her and I was so nervous that I didnt want to make a huge ass of myself and I didnt talk to her. I somehow wanted her to tattoo her name in my arm. That would be the ultimate signature. She is so amazingly talented, I cant get it out of my head. All in all, I feel that everybody on this earth really needs to see them live. I really kick myself in the ass for not speaking to her. Id pay a thousand bucks to meet her.
So that deffinitely made my night. Positive. The only thing I regret was leaving my spot after the first band. If I hadnt left that spot I could have seen them in full effect. I had the best spot! Right up front! I hate myself for needing air. WELL! At least Our eyes met! YES!
June 7th-saosin, anberlin.
Im excited.
Damn, I almost forgot about the other three bands that played. The first band, cosades, Was ehhh. Im not gonna say they were bad cuz they had a unique style I suppose. So i respect that and they were pretty good. Its just the drummer seriously freaked me out. I think he was on heroine, no joke. Im dead serious. Other band, company anthem, was pretty good. Except I thought they were dumb for only playing actual music for like 10 minutes. So that made me think they sucked. Against me was good. But didnt beat MBD, but they were still really good. I havent really listened to them before today so I didnt know what to expect, But they deffnitely won the crowd. And that place was effing packed. Most packed I have ever seen the station.
So yes, It was an amazing night and it was one of many more to hopefully come. Ive only known willie for about a month now, and Im gonna miss that little boy once he leaves. It seems the best hearted people at our school are juniors and seniors. Im gonna see If I can go to graduation, But I dont think they'll let me go. Oh well.
Well Im pissed at the thought of work tomarrow. It kind of sucks. But two days a week is not something to whine about. So Im gonna try not to :-)
Oh yeah! And I saw Allison today, which was an unexpectency. Its weird how we never ever talked when we went to school together but we do now. haha. Life is weird.
So I stole this from Jessie's journal. I always end up stealing stuff from her :-P Alot is wrong, and alot is right. If you think you know me, then why dont you try to figure what is right and what is wrong? Accept my effing challenge.
Your Birthdate: December 16
Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone.
You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent.
You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate.
You are introspective and a little stubborn.
Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family.
This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations.
The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you.
Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach.
You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions.
Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection.
Well This computer isnt doing much for me. So Im gonna maybe do something else.. good night everyone
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Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
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At the moment I am watching friends.
At the moment I am actually in the best mood in three months.
Nothing has caused this.
I had a moment of disgust with these, but I got over it and they are better
They give me massive headaches though
Which is a common side effect that makes me pop excedrin.
I feel like a freak.
I never been more sercure about myself.
So lindsay and I were talking today and I think I want to name my child mokey. hehe, I think its such a sweet name and no one would ever mess with you. Shit, If I was named mokey Id be the coolest kid in school. OH WAIT.. i forgot, I AM! HAHA! YEAH! Im insane. I know it .
Willie is a god. Hes taking me to the show tomarrow and Im pumped. I hear the celloist for MBD is amazingly insane on stage, and Im destined to get her beautiful autograph. Except I cannot take being without a band anymore. I will do whatever it takes to be in a sweet hardcore band who actually plays shows.
I think i want to start like a dating service with chris brown haha. We talked about it before. But i think it would be sweet to hook people up. And then if they ended up falling in love? That would be so awesomely rewarding. I would love to make people fall in love!
DAMNIT TOM! Im going to miss you greatly :-/ We gotta hang out soon.
The 28th. I have NEVER EVER! Been so excited for a fricking local show. I mean im more excited than tomarrow's show and more than the ASL show, Which I guess is understandable. Its going to be the best local show ever. Gina claims there's a sweet local hXc show saturday. but I have to work :-( Blah. I wish I could earn income doing nothing. Would be the sweet. Yeah whatever. Call me obsessed. Just think about all these amazing bands playing while you are sitting at home frying your brain with t.v.
Which reminds me....
Nothing actually. But I think Im gonna get a bigger Ipod. As stupid as that sounds and as dumb as I feel, I feel its the next thing for me. After D.E. So this means It will be awhile. But mine's full as of 2 weeks ago, and it gets annoying deleting songs I love to add new ones I also love. And it sucks. Also, mine has a form of ipod cancer or something, I think its just gonna go in cardiac arrest any day now anyways. Damn things.
Understand me when I say good charlotte is just a bunch of egotistic followers.
I hate that band with a passion.
Im running out of useless things to talk about. So good night everyone!
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, May 18th, 2005
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FINCH'S NEW CD!!!:JUNE SEVENTH. Im so fucking excited
I have again watched Requiem for a Dream tonight. This time with the mother and shawn. I never really seen it totally into it, or straight at that matter. Man Oh man, If that higher authority wasnt around, I would have bawled my eyes out. Seeing it for the ninth time made me realize it really is a sad movie. ( i remember saying it wasnt. But i was way wrong ) Its really awesome how the movie is about drugs, all of it, YET the moral has absolutely nothing to do with drugs.. Well there are 3 morals, but one of them rules over all. And its just amazing, I get teary eyed every time I watched it, Which brings me to my next point.
I think over emotionality ( heh ) is another side affect of these. I never really took any last night. I took 4 today. Cuz thats what Im suppose to take. They work pretty good, except the first half hour when I feel high. Its really weird. I cant focus. Or anything, I was in math class, and the only thing I could think of was. " Whaaaa? How do u do this? AGAIN!? " I feel If i keep taking this during school, I am going straight to special ed. Which is why im not gonna take them at school, only when I really really really need to. But when it wears off. It hits hard.
What am i talking about? its only the first day!
I dont think murder by death is going to happen. The deadline is almost.. dead, and Its getting harder and harder to find a ride. I would ask willie, but one, Id feel bad, and two, Im sure his car is full. So yeah, I think i might be stuck. So Im also trying to find a ride to effing bucksport, I dont really think its going to happen. But there's an STR show on friday, and I want to go if I cant go to MBD, but im not walking to bucksport. Yet, again, I remain stuck home. Most likely. I am not going to the specter show. I depend on that decision.
I think Im the only one that realizes these things. You guys are so naive Its not even funny.
Friday just might be open. Catherine, I am not going to the movies with four girls. As " pimpish " as that sounds. Forget it. I really want to go to a show, just not specter.
Wow something this strong cant even stop pills? I think its time to cut 'er loose. It would be best. But whatever right? Its not like ANYONE fucking gives a shit.
Well lets try to get back into a good mood. I started writing a really sweet song, I think its awesome, but then again Its probably not. The best way to describe it is a weird effing mix that actually doesnt help at all. but it has the breakdowns kind of like old underoath, extra. little, parts that remind me of norma jeanish, and all of it together kind of sounds like the bled. Yet, there is a little bit of spitalfield and starting line in there. yeah, Dont even try to figure it out. I make no sense. Im just gonna drop it all together.
And that stupid fucking dumb teacher gave me a fucking detention for such a retarded reason. GOD! What is the problem with descrimination in this fucking place. I get kicked out for blowing a kiss to some chubby red headed kid. I get an hour and a half for that bullshit? I will not allow anyone to tell me that sounds correct. I could have that bitch fired so easily. I know I could.
But Im not, cuz im the only one I know who isnt a total asshole. Thanks alot you dumb assholes.
Yet, I cant seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. I really do not know what to do about this. I dont think ill ever be good enough for anyone. Simply because I am not. It may sound dumb or non-senseful, its just really sad when I think about how much time I waste bitching or even thinking about it. Its really annoying. But I dont even want to get close to anyone anymore. It kind of sucks, but it makes alot more sense than always thinking about them or basically killing myself doing it. I dont mean physically either.
New Spitalfield: Awesome. Thanks to conor.
Circa Survive: Its pretty fucking great. Thaks to Catherine.
Fuck I need a ride.
Ugh, I need a trusty and rad and amazing g/f who amazes me with every word she speaks and every thing she does just wants me to be around her even more. But that would be obsession. As long as shes obsessed with me too.
Shit I still have alot of work to do. good night eveyone
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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So these pills havent done shit for me yet. but its only the first day and I cant expect too much, except I have.
Im in such an aweful mood right now. I feel like running in front of a mac truck and having my brains and intestines splatter all over the sidewalk. I dont even feel like updating right now, but its the only thing that will help me out the most.
Jules. I accidently deleted your comment.
01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you th
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Im beginning to think i belong in a fuckin insane assylumn, or however the fuck you spell it. Dont be fake.
Fake!!! Do you think i am the biggest dumbass on earth?
I really am getting sick of ajnasdk shit.
I cant stand walking anymore. I cant stand talking anymore.
It was all a fucking joke on me.
I hope you find hurt with someone.
And I will laugh in your face while you puke your guts out because you drank too much an hour before. I cant even stand to look at you anymore. You are the cause to my depression.
I hate too much. Maybe that last part wasnt true, but its starting to seem like it. Im not good enough. Yeah I wish I was cool and would listen to fucking shit I think is against everything I wish for, just for you. JUST! Get over it everyone. Honestly. PLEASE beat the shit out of me. I would love it. Maybe I would return the favor one lonely night.
Yet you are the reason I havent missed a day of school in the past two months.
Its times like these when everything shows you how fucking retarded everyone is. I want to gain five hundred pounds and fall in love with the most beautiful girl ever just to prove to all these ignorant heartless fucks that everything you want, isnt everything.
The next time you freak out on me, I swear to god, I will not come back this time. Wow, you dont even know. Not at all.
When you say you do? You are lying out of your fucking ears. Selfishness doesnt fly with me.
you. fucking. disgust. Me.
Well now that all of that is out. I think I might just die now. Because from saying that, my life is pretty much over. Oh well, I wont start living until I die.
But yeah. my day was total shit. The people at my school just sicken me. Those who think there is nothing more to life than pot, or for those who constantly talk about people behind their backs because they are the little fucking 3rd graders they were when they were... 3rd graders. Yeah and sex isnt everything.
This is why I wish you would just leave the planet. I dont want to talk to you.
GOOOOOOOOOOOD night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I have to go to the eye doctors and get some glasses cuz I am slowly becoming legally blind.
I was in an exceptionably good mood today except for english, That woman can make me so angry sometimes.
Tomarrow is a half day which is sweet. Im coming home and doing nothing.
And, I have three cures coming my way which is also really sweet. I guess I am going on these herbal pills. If they fail, Alkaline pills. Either way its good cuz they are both made purely of natural resources rather than chemicals. So maybe they wont fuck me up too too much. I still need to check these out to make sure they are totally safe though.
it took me nearly two hours to think about everything that was commented to my post last night. thats right, I put alot of thought into it!
I figure next year I am going to bust my ass. Im taking all pretty hard classes, I think. and im not taking a study hall. So yes, it might be the busiest year of my high school days, Its ok though, cuz Im excited to take these classes.
But I feel helpless.
Pretty soon, I dont know yet, but I think i am going to leave school to go to the hospital. I guess ACTING gay can get me into alot more trouble than I have ever thought. Its really sad though. If anyone knows me, I am the farthest thing from it. But its depressing how people get so pissed off about it. Maybe I should just stop, but thats not me. Who cares if I get my butt kicked! yeah! thats what im talking about haha. Oh well, If I do? then whatever, Ill deal with it.
So jocks can kiss my ass.
good night everyone. im going to dream of breaking an entry.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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I seriously cannot stand the male species...Call me gay, but all these guys are fucking retards. Most of all, Im not gay.
Unfortunately, Enfatuations do not last.
So Im just going to go like nothing has ever happened. As if It never existed, because on this green planet we are all just peices of cartiledge and nothing worth to think about. Thats pretty much my mood right now, blahness. But for me, they always do seem to last. I hate the way I think, its too sucky. It burns me up the most when I get blown off. Its one of the most shameful things a person can feel and it just makes me want to bash their heads in with an iron. But im not violent enough to act on these thoughts, so why think about them. EXACTLY MY FUCKING POINT, I hope i am confusing the hell out of you right now, because I cant even figure myself out. Some of you laugh, yet you are also going to hell too.
I still have to do a damn english report, I cant slack off anymore, Im failing two classes as of now, and we only have a month left of school. I need to get these up.
I love how I get called a druggie for having long hair and a lip ring. I hate his judgementalism is now what I will call it.
All of this shit is causing marks on my life. Fuck you. you will never understand so stop FUCKING ASKING!!!
Im so fucking sick of you right now.
Id slit my wrists for you..
good night everyone.
I left for like a half hour ago, but I have a worse mood now, so i need to just write in here. I say hate too much, but I hate .. i hate feeling like holding back. Whats the point? All we fucking do is fight. Why do I even hold back at all? i mean Im already in an aweful mood, theres not much more that would make it more intense. Maybe I should do that from now on. Actually be labeled as a drama king if thats what you want to call it. but for the record, no one knows how many sick things go through my mind each minute. Ugh, I need a fucking cure for this. I dont care what it is, As long as I dont have to feel like this everyday. I feel like I am fucking rotting here. Well I wouldnt take actual drugs.... So anything wasnt a true statement.
Agh, I just need to put this in here so I dont forget it, It was in my profile But I dont want it in there anymore and Im too lazy to find another way to save it.. Cut the throats of society. And watch the money bleed into the atlantic without any warning of death to ambition. Hopeslessness is all we have now folks. Please sit here and pay tickets for this play, as he will die a slow death, the mark on our forheads is now much more than a mark, its a scar to remind us of all we wish to not be reminded of... This is your choice.
Anyways. Im horrible at expressing myself so i need to find a more intense way to do it. I dont feel like sleeping. i dont want to see what happens tomarrow.
Im going to get more depressed by watching requiem for a dream. good night
I was told to put this in my journal. this is the closest to myspace I am ever getting.
01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
03. If I were to apply an o'clock to you, it would be...
04. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your journal
P.S. If I hate you and you tell me your name. You are getting a fistfull of NOTHING! BOO YEAH!
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Comments: Read 26 or Add Your Own.
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How can anyone be so retarded as that. Blah
And I also have three people on my hit list. No wait.. 4 from our school.
And all of these little junior high sluts trying to... Leave it at that.
Requiem for a Dream is the most fucked up movie I have ever seen. Ive seen it about 8 times, and its one of my favorites. Seriously, EVERYONE needs to fuckin watch it. Im scared.
I was gonna go to josh's, But I think I needed to stay home alone tonight. People Annoy Me.
I was going to make a newl livejournal cuz I think my name is annoying, then i remembered I didnt care.. but i did, so i tried to make one but the best name I came up with was taken. So I fled in anger and xed out the screen. Long story short: Im keeping this one til I warn you otherwise.
I dont really have much to talk about.
Last night I hung out with john.
And Im really crappy tonight. I was fine a little while ago. I guess im just in an emotional mood right now. Its so sad, I cant stand watching people go through it. Whether it be drugs or alchohol or boyfriend/girlfriend issues. It kind of makes me realize how shitty our world is, with all the sleazebags, and everyones obsession with money, but it also makes me glad to be where I am, and not caught up in drugs where Im watching my back every corner I take part in turning. The other thing is.. Fuck I wish this was as easy as picking up my own vomit. Its almost impossible finding the girl who feels as much, if not more as you do for her. I dont know if that is understandable but hopefully you get my point. I mean, If someone is so much like me that its weird.. then it would clash because i would not want to date someone like me, basically. but someone so opposite that everything they do annoys you.. Its hard, its like picking out waldo in.... 6 million identical other waldos. ( I use waldo, cuz I used to love that ghostly figure ) I want to see madagascar :-/ i wish I could create my perfect match.
im going to find something to do. Good night
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 9:12 pm. |
| Mood: | Done even ask. |
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At the rate Im going, It feels like I will never be happy again. But I think conor is going to help me out with something. I hope it works.. thanks buddy.
So what now? Yeah, Another fucking horrible day. I dont even really care anymore. I dont think it will ever happen again. Im just so stuck right now. Sometimes I question my own faith. If I really was religious I would be doing the stuff I do now. I wouldnt swear all the time. I would think about these things I shouldnt be thinking about. It just makes me question every little thing about myself, and Im starting to notice Im not good enough for anyone, its the truth. Im really not. I cant stand to look into anyone's eyes anymore. I am not going to be one of them kids that complains how shitty his life is. Cuz I think i do have a good life. Its just these little brain diseases that fuck everything up.
I cant even think straight right now. Good night everyone. Stay sane
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, May 11th, 2005
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I was actually motivated to do something today. I got done a shit load of work, and somehow managed to clean my room, Im not too sure on how I pulled that one off. So i stand here pretty pissed off because of my stupid ass peice of shit computer always kicking me off line, Its so irritating that if it had a brain I would stab it many times with a kitchen knife. I need to learn to control, if i dont learn soon i am going to end up staying back, and probably getting kicked out of Leavitt. I almost got kicked out of two classes today. It never happens. Usually at school im in such a good mood. Its not the case these last few weeks. I cant stand that dumb fucking cartoonist thats coming in tomarrow for the last day. History will be much better without that racist bullshit. All we do is fight now and its all my fault. it always is. I cant wait to get medified. Hopefully im in either a good mood all the time, or Im a total zombie so I will be too dead to the world to know anything is going on. I kind of would like to try the zombie scenario. I think I am allergic to bullshit. Well yes I am, for a fact. I absolutely can NOT stand it when you guys ask me what is wrong.. When anyone asks me!!! I know no one really cares but they feel helpless so they need to butt in to my business. its fucking PERSONAL so dont fucking ask me unless im in a good mood or you actually do give a shit if I were to die tomarrow, if not, you're just gonna get bitched at. I have a stupid bullshit FIFTEEN minute detention tomarrow for throwing a damn eraser. Isnt that lame? I almost got a half hour, but im not serving a fucking half hour for something that retarded. I think the real punishment here is missing my bus home. I really dont want to wait to stay after until 4 when I can actually get a ride home. Any time after school is horrible unless you're with someone cool. But my only hope is dead. Speaking of hope. I got the hopesfall cd, I do not like it. Totally different from what I thought it would be, I guess its good, but i was expecting hardcore, not alto emo.. ( is what I call it ) I dont think it has a single breakdown in the whole fucking cd.
I really do hate bitching in my journal.
Im now over it.
this shit is really getting to me, I mean.. Seriously. I rarely even talk to anyone anymore. Im getting more anti social by the day. It pisses me off. I cant stay in one spot in the morning. Its the only way I can keep from fucking freaking out on some asshole. Im not put on this earth to be the devil's ragdoll. Im willing to march down there myself and and run a knife through his heart, woops.. Devils dont have hearts. Now that I think of it, leavitt must be a devil then.
Temporary releif good night
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I am going to tell the dead honesty about myself. I figure i can try to change one person at a time by being honest, and why not start with myself?
I am 16 years old. I was born December Sixteenth nineteen eighty-eight. to be HONEST I dont even know where I was born, my mother is in bed so I cant ask her, but i think cmmc, or.... st marys.. but more likely cmmc. I was a miracle baby. Im not sure what that means, but when I say miracle baby i mean being saved by god right after the birth. I almost died, but thats not important.
These are all my faults of which I regret. If you ever had any respect for me and what to keep it. Stop reading.
I was eight, and I killed two rats on accident. I was a sick little boy. Me any my sister used to think we were in out own little gangs and would beat the shit out of eachother, every now and then. I smoked a total of 3 ciggarettes when I was seven. Hated them then. I used to look up to merrill. I worshipped the ground he walked on. I seem to have an addiction to nicotine, but am trying to kill the habit. they are horrible, i know. I try to kill my self as low key as possible, but i did say i would be honest. I smoke marijuana as a reliever of anger and depression. I seem to have enough of anger/depression to last a life time. I try to do it as little as possible, but some nights I just feel like " killing someone " cuz I dont like to think suicide. I have a nack for sleeping more during the day than at night lately, it has somehow fit into my daily life. I always talk about trying to get more religious but I never actually do it. I like to claim I beleive in god and try to follow him as much as possible. ( wow it deffinitely shows through all my faults huh? ) I really hate it when people confront me about " problems " i might have, I really dont think anyone has problems.. just faults. I think of it as something that needs to be fixed, not a problem.
I sometimes take long walks to clear my head, its relaxing. Music often reflects my moods.. Taking Back Sunday/old underoath, Sad out of my mind-Dont know what to do with myself. New underoath/The Bled, most of the times in a good mood, but trying to find love. I dont really listen to music when Im angry. I cant. It will make me break down. Yes, When Im angry i would nothing more to do, than cry. Crying is needed sometimes. I understand this.
I am basically a hopeless romantic. I feel hopeless when it comes to love. I dont think it will ever happen. I beleive in everthing typical, except love at first sight. I beleive in very strong feelings at first sight, but not really love. the way I see it, I need to know them before i could ever love them. I have had many little flings but finding more about them was a joke. There are a lot of heartless people out there. Im not fixated on looks, I mean it helps. I truly do beleive inner beauty is the best thing ever. Even if I was drunk. I beleive in love before lust. Im waiting to " give it all away " to the one I love. In other words, I am a fucking virgin. Many people think Im gay based on my personality and my thoughts about love and everything else. I guess if I had a type it would be a good personality. And one more thing about that, i HATE girls who take sex for granted and talk about it 24/7, and I hate it when all they do is try to " get " you.
Interests: Music. is my life. I dont revolve EVERYTHING around music, cuz school gets in the way. I play guitar but remain modest. I never ever want to be cocky about it. I beleive music is one of the most amazing things ever, and I dont want to be conceited about it. But I do practice daily. Honestly, I get sick of it sometimes. Like tonight, i almost threw my guitar through the window.. next point.
I seem to be getting worse by the week. Im just really scared to go on meds but happy at the same time. I heard some meds out there will make you freak out and commit suicide or kill close loved ones. thats the scary part. but I will be happy for them cuz they help my mother big time, so I think they will help me. These last two weeks have been some of the worse of my life. I dont really like to talk about the things that need to be fixed about me cuz I hate attention. the journal seems to be the only place where I feel right saying things I mean.
Sometimes I am the biggest asshole I know. But i try to steer as far away from that as possible. My favorite food is mainly italian, I love pizza and spaghetti. I hate breakfast sausage and kewlbasa or however you spell it. Bacon is amazing, but salty as an ocean. I really used to think that people stood on the edge of the dock and just dumped loads of table salt into the ocean to make... well, saltwater. I was young, and un-educated. Some of the things that keep me up at night are in the bible. Im horrified of black holes and I think its weird how they make paper. I beleive how society is going to shit, and the end of the world will happen pretty soon. I like to show my assholish side more than my sensitive side. Well for those who truly know me.. know me. First impressions are NEVER correct. I really want to meet jennifer garner just because she is amazing and beautiful. I actually do admit it when a member of the male species is actually good looking. Im totally straight.
I dont often know the right words to say, so thats how I tend to screw up anything good in my life. I think I am too stuck on myself. I want to be more open to everything and not be so close minded. But I will never resort rap music. Although there was this one hip hop group that was good. I dont their name but they are one of the only beat artists I know of who dont rap about lust. So I know i could learn to like some rap, as long as its not typical rap. I am one of the most horrible dancers I know, and me on the dancefloor is one terrible image, Id rather not think about it. I think my biggest fear is being alone when I get older. Shouldnt I be worrying when im 40? Right. I love finding out how small the world is. ( thats the easiest way I could put it. ) Clue. When your parents coached my brother in soccer. something like that. A big problem of mine is letting girls walk all over me. Thats one of my faults as well. I dont like fighting with them, it makes me feel horrible and not to mention totally ruins my night. Im always feeling guilty for one reason or another, doesnt really matter what for. I just always am. I havent washed my hair in almost two months and its starting to itch and get on my nerves. I TAKE SHOWERS! You will not beleive how many people have said " yuou havent showered in 2 months!? " and I just call them idiots and walk off. I would happen to think If I hadnt showered in 8 weeks that I would start to smell of something other than laundry detergent..
I very rarely put cologne on, unless I am trying to impress someone. I wear the same shirt for just about every concert i go to. My mind is constantly changing about every single thing. I am the most moody/undecided boy I know. And I love it. I havent really listened to Brand new's deja entendu before tonight. I am just now realizing how amazing they are, and i am one of the only people I know who got it before everyone else. I hate my chemical romance. Which is contradictory, cuz I love to draw deathly images. I would love to be an artist of totally bizarre drawings, but Im not talented enough. One of the things I would be forever scroned for, is if someone called me intensely insensitive. that would make me so mad. But I think it would have to be a girl that would say it. thats just me. I respect everyone's beleifs and opinions, but do not dis god when I am present. I somehow have an addiction to perform a religious signal whenever I hear the words " god... da***t " I think porn is so immature and unnatural that it makes me sick. Obvuiously who ever is in a video has no respect for themselves.
I hate it when people are fake. When they dont tell me what their problem with me is, or lie right to me, when in fact i can see right through them. I sometimes surprise myself by predicting near future. I feel everyone has this ability, but it catches me off guard and creeps me out. I like little cute things that " girls who would play me " do. Its not a good thing to like, cuz thats my problem, I cant tell if its true or not. I want to cuddle for 6 days straight to the sound of Enrique Inglasies' voice.. I spelt that way wrong, But i think he has an awesome voice. Im not a fan of Bright Eyes. brand new is great.
I am a sucker for sleep and need to sleep like 12 hours a night. Not happening tonight, but im at least getting 7. Im going to end my night with camel. good night everyone. I hope you all learned most about me
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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i really need to fucking vent right now. I feel i could kill someone right now. Its really sounding fucking good right now. Im sick of complaining too, but im used to it, and if u dont want to read this, dont, Cuz im not forcing anyone so therefore you cant fucking bitch about me bitching all the fucking time. And if you do? Well you can just fucking die then. All these stupid fucking bastard jocks. There are two different kinds. Cool ones who actually are down to earth, and little assholes who have nothing better to do than talk shit about people behind their backs and complain about someone not giving them head. GROW THE FUCK UP!!!!! I fucking love leavitt, but its just them certain bastards who ruin it for everyone. And then theres all these little " fashions " that are way overrated. Im so sick of human existence. There is not one honest person in the world anymore. I cant stand anyone, everyone pisses me off one way or another, and I cant trust anyone. No one is trustworthy. Im having a hard time trusting my best friends now. Cuz everything is so fucked up, and stupid as science is a joke. All this bullshit about creating the perfect child. WOW, can anyone be any more conceited? Not sure that makes sense, but it makes sense to me. I freak out when I go a whole day without talking with her. I seriously freak out, I dont know what the fuck my problem is, I need to chill out. i cant stand even thinkin anymore, all it does is nothing, i want to sell my brain on ebay and get some major druggies' brain that doesnt function nearly as good as mine. I feel like my stomache is going to explode, I feel my brain is going over heat, my legs are falling off, and i feel like cutting my arms off with a ban saw.
YET she was so beautiful today
It goes away. Comes back without a notice. Slowly goes away, and comes back right away. So whats the point of even having a moment of happiness? It doesnt stay with me for long, all it does is give me high hopes that something good will actually happen today. Not to mention listening to certain music. Whats it mean when music makes you depressed. I dont know, Im asking you. Nothing good ever happens anymore. If it does its wiped away from my memory within an hour. I have never went a full day without feeling like this.. since like, 2 years ago. thats the last time I truly remember being happy for a longer period of time. But something just HAD to happen and FUCK everything UP!!! Now its happening again. My life will not be over until I confront that motherfucker once again. I wouldnt hurt him, but fuck he deserves to feel guilt until his death, I just know he is going to hell, no one in heaven would like him, thank god. I just need to really clear my head. Really Really Really. Really.
I think im going to the doctor's.. Good night,
P.S.... I lied. I trust frank.
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I feel like total shit. This bastard will not leave me ( us ) alone, After two years? You would think a fucking peice of shit like him would move on some other family to fuck out of their. I literally want to go to his house knock on his door, and slit his throat. Just watch his blood fucking run down his pitiful wrinkled cancer infested body. Only then, would my life be complete. I sure think so. Im so fucking sick of this. Everyting was going fine, then.. what the fuck, I just want to fucking kill him. No one even understands my anger right now so thats why Im trying not to say too much about it.
And seriously. Fuck off. You are no help to me. Bye
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blackbrickwall's journal
discontent.
angry.
peaceful.
anxious.
apathetic.